My Code

In the end, it may not matter.

But the process does.

You've got to get to the stage in life where

..going for it is more important than winning or losing.

Arthur Ashe

Alone.

So much fun. So much laughter. So much life! There are people all around. So many thoughts.. So much to talk. So much to share.. This is just.. amazing!

"Heyyy Vinod! How are you? Its been a such a long time! Heard you got married! Congratulations dude.. Introduce me to your wife sometime.. Anyways, what are you up to these days? Still working for that packaging company?"

Indeed it has been such a long time since I saw Vinod. I have so much to ask him.. so much to talk to him about. We go back to our school days. Now, when was the last time I..
"Oh Hey, MJ! My God, you have changed so much!". Indeed she had grown plump. Not fat. But plump. But ofcourse, you can't say that to a girl. Not that this one would care... Her name was Nivedha. Everyone called her MJ. She had nothing to do with Michael Jackson though... But somehow, the name had stuck.... Everyone used it, but few of us knew what it meant... Fun memories!

"Yeah man.. I have been hanging out with Harry too much lately." She grins. The same bubbly, joyful voice. "I ve been helping him with one of his projects you know.. No wonder I have become so fit." The same touch of sarcasm. "Anyways, how are you holding up, buddy?". Actually she hasnt changed at all. Just listening to her makes you feel happy... There is nothing to worry about, it tells you. Really. And you agree.

"I am good, MJ.. it is great to see everyone.. all at the same place. I am completely on a high you know.". Yes I am on a high. Too many emotions.. Most of them positive.. And a touch of.. what is that? Fear? Nevertheless, I am on a high!

She mentioned Harry.. Oh I miss Harry.. the genius who always cracked everyone up. Where is Harry? I want to meet.. Aaaaaah.. look who that is! That beautiful face. With that wonderful smile on it.. So warm... so happy. She is waving at me.. I wave back.. I want to give her a hug. She does too! Fantastic! Oh, this feels great! That same distinct smell.. The same warmth. Her hands on my back. I can feel my heart pounding inside.. like those Chinese drums. Boom boom boom boom. I don't want to let go. She doesn't seem to want to, either... A simple hug. We underestimate its power....

"How are you?", she whispered. That beautiful smile again!
"I missed you." I was staring into her eyes. Those deep black eyes. They held a mysterious power. I was holding her hands..

Her left hand was locked into my right... I was holding tightly.. We were walking.. on the beach. No, not the beach. I am sick of the beach. And the bright sunlight. Let's walk away from the beach. She is saying something.. I think she agrees.. Let us get out of the beach. We start running..
It is getting bright.. The sun is rising.. I just want to keep running. With her. Not alone. Stay with me.
She is fading.. No, dont leave me... I hold both her hands. Ah this blinding light!! I stop. I hug her and hold her close to me. Stay with me. Noooo! Come back! Hold on... dont go.. STAY WITH ME! Get this light out of my face! Stay with me, Keerthi...... dont leave.

Bright sunlight.

AAAAAAAAAARGGHH! I will kill you!! Why do you have to rise everyday? You.. you sadistic ball of.. gas! Sigh.. And there is nowhere I can hide. I cant do anything about it. I feel.. powerless.

I am exhausted. Day 26. The 16th of November. It is my birthday. And I am all alone. There is nobody here. Just the water. The sand. And the trees. And that son of a bitch in the sky. I want to go back to my dream.

Why can't dreams be real?

The same thing can appear different

depending on where your focus is. 

It could change opinions radically!

Been a while...

And I have been wondering.. Why do we do what we do?

To take a small example - After the initial excitement of everyday posts, I have only blogged when I felt something significant.

Why?

 It is an unprejudiced question. There is no blame or guilt involved. It merely tries to observe human nature. And I would be the easiest subject to observe... Or would I?

Well, easy or not, the process is definitely very interesting.

So, why did I do what I did?

Maybe I was lazy.
Maybe I was trying to be different and didnt want to copy what my friend was doing (he has built a pretty successful blog since at alearningaday.blogspot.com :) )
Maybe I am a closed person and didnt want others to know what I was learning. But then, I didnt maintain a diary either.
Maybe I didnt like the idea of trying convincing myself that what I learnt everyday could be put in words. Maybe I thought my English was inadequate.
Maybe I thought I didnt learn much everyday.

Or maybe it was a combination of those.

So, what is the reason? I am not sure either. I could rationalize each/all of those reasons. Sometimes, the little voice in the head says "Naaah that cant be true!". Sometimes it says "Ah ofcourse.. that makes sense". At other times it goes "Hmmm.. maybe.."

But then what was I thinking when I consciously decided to stop? I had to pick a good reason to stop because otherwise, I would have had to conclude that I am lazy and uninspired. I could have picked any reason to rationalize. But would that be the real reason?

Your mind often prevents you from having a "heart-to-heart" talk with it. So, that you dont feel too bad. It builds a layer of rationalization on top to account for your actions - and synchronize it with what is "right" or "wrong" as perceived by the society.

I was watching Dexter (the TV serial). The process is very similar to how the serial killer rationalizes his kills.

So, which is real? The layer beneath or the layer on top?

The layer beneath because it reveals your true nature? - Or will this be replaced by the layer on top eventually?
Or the layer on top because that it what you are moulding yourself into? - Or is this a lie you are telling yourself?

Which is real? Which is the matrix?